calder is one

we lucked out and my parents came into town for calder's birthday. it was such a good weekend. my mom got to stay a little longer and we talked and talked. i love that we are such good friends. i feel so lucky.

i actually made the birthday cake this time. usually it's jeffrey who does it, but with my friend morgan's help and inspiration i made this jello cake and calder loved it. the blueberries were his favorite part.

what a cutie.

so i have been wanting to write my thoughts regularly on my blog, but i never get around to it, or i sit down and don't know what to say. so i am going to try it out, but i may give up. we'll see.

i can't believe calder is 1. this year has flown by. it has been such a wonderful year. indiana really is such a good place for me. i am happy here. my depression doesn't seem to bother me as much here, which is such a relief from how hard it was in ny. calder has been such a joy. so has seeing his big brothers love him. they still just adore him! i was worried that once he was walking and getting into their stuff it would ruin it, but it hasn't. they get frustrated, but only with the situation, not with him. they still love him to death. it brings me so much joy to see the love these 3 boys share.

i don't know why it's been different, maybe because we aren't around family to have them watch calder and pass him around a lot, but i am so attached to calder. i have such a hard time leaving him with a sitter, letting jeffrey put him down to bed instead of me, and sometimes even letting someone else change his diaper. i know, sounds silly, but it is a real thing for me. he has not taken any bottles and so he has exclusively nursed and i have loved it. the only thing is, now that he is slowly weaning himself, it is so hard for me. the other night he stopped his night feeding and we are down to only nursing in the morning. i just cried, i was so sad. i still find joy in his progress and all the new things he is learning, but i just don't remember feeling this way with elliot and sam. part of it may be that he might be our last, or maybe i have just forgotten. i'm not sure.

anyway, that's what's on my mind tonight. that and mormon.org. we had a training from our church about mormon.org and how it is set up for people to go to to learn more about our church and to hopefully help people get a good understand of what our church is about and what our beliefs are. i am going to set up a profile hopefully soon. it'll be interesting.

well...good night.